Just in Case

So you think you've got it all figured out. That you know how to be the very person you've always wanted to be. So that's great and all, but when you don't know how sure you are of anything (just for a moment) I hope you know that I  believe in you.

And we still don't even know each other's names. 

Christmas Miracles

Yesterday I went for a walk with someone I've never really had the chance to meet. And I said things I never thought I'd say because they always hurt me just a little bit more each time. Then they began to open up the way they swore they would never do. Slowly as time passed we moved closer and closer. Little things began happening. Somehow I fell in love with a stranger and I promise that stranger fell in love with me. So if by any chance you find this, and you realize what you did to me, I just think you should know that I am glad we met. 

Splattered Paint and Scuffed Chalk

You are ambitious. There's nothing wrong with that. Just remember not everyone knows how to be like you. 

Apple Cider and Eggnog

If I could scream it from the rooftop or paint it across the entire planet I swear I would. It’s just that I’m all out of midnight phone calls and soury sweet nicknames to whisper between the stars and nine am. And I’d love to blame it on the rain and blur of the holidays giving me reason not to reach you or even better keeping me from the grandiose displays I want to be creating for you. But even though I didn’t say those words yet, you know the ones said so often they lose their meaning when the real thing comes along, you realize that nothing will ever be more true. So enjoy your holidays and stay dry. When the new year begins I promise to do all the things you’ve ever wanted from a love.

Just Like Polaris

Until you return I will be the brightest star in all the sky. 

Remembering Christmases 12 years ago

Softly the piano plays songs 
next to the candle burning bright
of joy and festivities, religion and love
wonderfully crafted memories delicately

flooding the room as whispers
ask shadows about the years when
laughter bubbled and cookies shaped 
like santa and trees rose in the oven
inviting nothing less than bliss into our
naive existence among the holiday season.
Gratefully, I light another candle for your absence. 

Pages Stained with Hot Chocolate

"Let's just pretend you didn't see that."

"But I did..."

"Yes, but playing pretend has always been your favorite game."

"That's true."

"Good, so how are you?"

"I'm good and you?"

"I've got something to tell you."

"Okay."

"You saw exactly what you thought you did."

"I know."

"So?"

"I'm pretending I didn't."

Songs of Freedom

Don't you know that this oppression is no where, but inside your own mind. 

The Unwrapped Present

I know things are tough this year, at least on my end of the deal,
I'm so sorry I won't be there in time to celebrate our first holiday together;
but believe me I'm trying my hardest. Mom says we'll spend Christmas
in the car, no presents for each other - which is fine by me, only I wish
that I had something to smile. A new house for her, so she could finally
live comfortably, a locket containing ash and I to show that we made it
out of this hell hole alive, ooh or maybe I could get you some new paints -

vivid ambers, brilliant scarlets, violets that scream and cobolt to complete anything.
Paints that aren't crusted together and tubes that don't fall apart at
the slightest touch, a golden brush I swear I won't touch (I'm so sorry I've ruined
so many of the ones you had already...). I wish I could get Ash a new game
or I-tunes gift cards so he won't take yours. Maybe some new drawing pads
and markers so he's not staring at electronics all day. Love, the most sad thing is,
I got you a gift back in August, just a few days after we met. I've had it boxed up
and ready to send for months, it's sitting in my lap as I write this out for you,
waiting to bring a smile across your brilliant face. Darling, this year will be unique
in ways neither of us have ever imagined, my heart aches knowing I can do nothing
more for the ones I love, and yet, there's something for you that you will never see.

An unwrapped box, a note of nothing but pure energy, and a symbol that only you
could ever fully understand in a scene that will never be seen.

A TSI Goodbye

There once was a time when the pain of missing you was just so unbearable that I wrote you letters just to tear them up. Finally I realized that you weren't coming back so I changed the locks to my heart and the color of my hair. I played more games and read less books and I used your nickname as a password or two whenever anyone asked if I've ever been hurt I sighed before saying that I didn't know. Now I'm here, writing even more about you, after saying I wouldn't, just to ask if being abandoned by someone you never had a chance with is anything like the pain that comes with walking out on someone you've loved all along. I thought I was going to be okay - but I'm not. I thought I was over you but there was never any sort of goodbye. I thought we could work something out, but you didn't even try.

Defenders of the Forgotten

I promise to remember you until Death Dies until Time dissolves and until this universe itself has become a forgotten nonexistent useless space to someone somewhere. But you don't remember me anymore, do you?

A Breakfast in Bed Kinda Life

Promise me that someday sticky notes and drawings on the bathroom mirrors after our showers will be our best love letters of all time. . .

143, Pizza, and Stuffed Animals

We were young and you spoiled me rotten every day - I'm just so sorry we faded away so quickly. At least we still pop by from time-to-time for Christmas and our birthdays.

P.s. Happy Birthday  

Fragmented Rubies

Today we watched your soul return home for good as we laid your body down for rest. I just hope you know the tears were worth the ache.

You have touched your number of hearts, you will be remembered and loved - even from afar. 

The World Already Ended

You claimed that your mother was a gypsy while you were young. You told me stories from your adventures with her and offered up the fears instilled within you by your father. You let me know more about you than anyone else ever would. Then you left without any sort of warning. At least I know where you got that from. I love those gypsy ties of yours. And it's comforting to think that you won't be back, prepared to deepen these elaborate cuts decorating my soul. 

Twenty-one and Still Three

They are not trying to make your life harder, they're just playing off of the ideas you offer to your surroundings. No one is trying to make anything worse; we're just using what's available to we can live our life. 

To Crave Tea Time

There's mascara running down the folds of my faded pillow and it's not that anything is even that wrong. Please, don't think that I'm one of those attention seeker types, because that's not it at all - I swear. Or is this one of those moments where "thou doth protest too much" makes perfect sense? I remember nibbling on your shoulder, starving for your attention  and now I wonder if you've ever needed anything from me  with enough fervor and ferocity to actually beg for it (me). I wonder if the single drops that quenched my parched lips so effortlessly when you weren't around have ever been enough for you. And I know it's sad to say this since I fought you every time you tried but I miss the potential of having a light something to eat or drink while indulging in a conversation more hearty than I could ever be. The fact that there are no guests knocking on the door at three in the afternoon or even at three o five breaks my heart. So here I am, alone, waiting for the violet kettle to whistle
with a tray full of cobalt speckled blueberry scones and airy white, sweet cream to balance out the tart of fruit picked too early - or maybe it's only there to subdue the pain of opinions varied from your own. Either way, it is enticing and I wish it could do its job more properly. Slowly, I'll stir the milk and two sugars into the dark mixture watching the shapes play leap frog in awkward motion,
humming along with the delicate, lacy clink of the metal spoon chiming against the porcelain cup. It's just not the same now that I know that not everyone has to make do with


breadcrumbs. 

Farewell, New Friend

Look Darling, we may have had our share of difficulties, but that doesn't mean that we don't miss you just as much as everyone else's heart you touched. 

Dropping Dead Weight

Just in case you were wondering
I was doing just fine
without you.

And because you're so afraid
he's a definitive sign
you're unnecessary.

Oh, and by the way
I hope you understand
it's over.

Because you only ever crumble
on my own I stand
without you. 

A Place Among the Ashes

Keep calling those stars of yours by name and burning just as bright as them (you'll be our sun for all of eternity).

Then when you do fall down we'll drown together (I know how you hate being alone).

So in the next life we'll be born side by side (two unnamed artists truly inseparable).

That way Time can settle in and Death can die (but you and I will keep coming back as comets and planets).

Mermaids Giggle By the Shore

Darling, I refuse to be the wave crashing upon your rocky shores until you have enough sense to keep the fish at bay when I'm around. 

Back to Brooklyn Analogies

Perhaps you and I are going through the same phase, but at different stages of life.
Maybe it's a good thing so that neither of us have to go it alone. 

In the Midddle

Your beautiful electronic voice never
ceases to amaze me...

And perhaps this is why I've spent
so many years believing myself
to have fallen in love with you
without ever once
having seen your face,
or felt your touch.

There's something about poetry
that lends your soul to me
for a few moments at a time

well I say moments,
but hours are more accurate.

I read your works a thousand times each
before you strip them of your name
and their linked homes.

But never will it be enough
because your electronic voice

is an aspect of you
that almost replicates the

Cheshire cat.

You're here BUT
you're always missing parts
and you've got this huge grin
that takes up my entire monitor
through only the amount of sheer

joy that flows through even the most
heartrending of your works.

Just so you know,
you don't have to read this
for it to be any more or less true,

but I wish I knew how to say to you
that your works transport me to a world
completely unlike anything else I've ever known -

and I've ventured through many a poet's soul.

Big Changes Come in January

I know the world is walking on eggshells lately. That none of us know where stable ground is for our next steps, but you're not alone. And at the very least, just that should be enough to remind you that it's okay to keep moving forward despite the uncertainty. 

Clouded with Dreams on Pause

Look, I know you have a lot on your mind, just promise me, you'll try to be a little more careful. 

Dancing Chalk Drawings

I just want you to know that if creativity is the only thing I've got going for me then I'm prepared to "waste" the initial spark of every idea on you. 

The Glorious Fashion Shows Through Goodwill

Until you come to terms with the possibility of looking like a fool you will never know what true happiness can actually be. 

The Crazy Parody of Nonsense Rambles

And i know im not always the best listener, i get sidetracked and confused i lose myself in my own little word. I know im not the girl of your dreams, I don't look good without make up and im too big in some areas and way too tiny in others. I know that my heart is falling apart its tied together with all sorts of useless things and my memory holds on to more of the bad than the good. but I try. I am also a dreamer, so i imagine what life could be. I imagine me and you. I think of all the places we could see and things we could do. I envision you happier than ever before and sometimes I let myself pretend im the reason for that joy. So right now I'm seeing the world so much darker than it really is, but tomorrow, I promise I'll see the blindingly good side instead, so long as you'll give me the night to make the change. Oh and I know my heart is small, but i love you with every ounce of love everyone alive or dead has ever had to give and i love you for so much more than just that.

Time for a Distraction

Without a little fun, you're never going to get very far. 

As you Turn the Last Page

Before either of us die I will have a library of my very own to house my journals and all your favorites. That way you can finally peruse the inner workings of my mind as you please.

This I promise you. 

Counting Flecks of Stardust

There are so many ways to love a person and an infinite way to show that love to the world. But you should be reminded that there are only a finite number of reasons to love a person. 

Stained Glass Skies

I watch the world carry on in its deja vu sort of bliss and I wonder if anyone else knows the pain of being reminded by the sky that you ran away - now you're just out there somewhere. Another story-less page to miss or forget. Time makes this harder to take and I have to know if there's anyone out there breathing easier since you went away.

Dropping it Like it's Hot

You know you were the secret to this nation's increase of wealth.

You were the secret weapon for every harsh moment that came our way.

Yes, I have begun to write about you in past tense. You shouldn't think about that too much.

Just let it kick you in the gut so you remember every time you look back that you messed up.

You fucked up, Babe.

Cinnamon

You full of cinnamon.

Made up of waiting -
something sweet.

You walk into a room -
hear sugar-coated laughter

because you're still crazy
instead of auntie's apple pie.

Something doesn't end here -
the timer goes off. Everything is fine. 

Falling In

There's a hole on the other side, but you can't see it from here. And there's a gap in connection from where you are and here from time to time. But the best part is, the void of stardust where love acts like wine - growing better with time. 

The Line Keeps Moving

Every single one of us is waiting on a new beginning of a different kind than we've known before. Some of us have just been waiting longer than others.

Don't worry, your's is coming soon. 

Gaining Ground

Hearing my value and my worth spill from your honeysuckle lips makes me happier than I will ever be able to explain; but I know my value, I love my worth, and my dependence on you will soon come to an end. 

The Arrivals Lounge by Ian S. Thomas, read by Z. T.

Because nothing else seems to be as fitting today. 

Arms Filled with Dasies

I know that it's been years since the last time I came to visit you. It's just that as usual, as Life always does, Life got in the way of living. And really, I don't think you can really blame a girl for wasting her time living and breathing in a place for people who died long before her time. I can't take the roses and dew making me high as I cry about all the moments we never had together. And I sure as hell can't stand the rosemary they planted beside your grave. The smell of pain lingers in my hair for days after spending just an hour in your presence. And yes, this place was my favorite for so long and now all I remember is the feeling of the wind beating against the leather drawn around me and the dirt slipping through my fingers or the honey suckle drifting through the easy breeze.


I don't think I will be back again, I can no longer take Death's potent cologne

Arms Filled with Dasies

I know that it's been years since the last time I came to visit you. It's just that as usual, as Life always does, Life got in the way of living. And really, I don't think you can really blame a girl for wasting her time living and breathing in a place for people who died long before her time. I can't take the roses and dew making me high as I cry about all the moments we never had together. And I sure as hell can't stand the rosemary they planted beside your grave. The smell of pain lingers in my hair for days after spending just an hour in your presence. And yes, this place was my favorite for so long and now all I remember is the feeling of the wind beating against the leather drawn around me and the dirt slipping through my fingers or the honey suckle drifting through the easy breeze.


I don't think I will be back again, I can no longer take Death's potent cologne

Light at the End

There is rain dancing beautifully and wind singing eerily. Yet joy and love manage to cloak is at every turn. Somehow a day supposed to be dark and creepy managed to be something so much more important than that.

Blood Just isn't Make Up

This year just won't be the same, no dressing up to wander endless streets together as we pretend to be people we could only ever dream of meeting. No crazy stories of witches on broomsticks flying over the world as they search for the perfect ingredients for the universe's best ever monster stew (they forgot the lovers like me and you.) No children dressed as vampires and ghosts coming to our door for candy and jokes, because you're not here to make them laugh or get me off the couch. There won't be maliciously playful jack-o-lanterns beside castles and mansions as they line the driveway and street. There will be no scary movies til dawn or popcorn just a little too black or apple cider with your secret recipe. I guess there won't be any fading grey black and white photographs of us in cemeteries downtown or haunted houses at the fair. You're not here and because you are the ghost haunting my every thought. And you are gone, have fun wherever you are because this year just won;t be the same. Just know spiders have taken over the bed and bats love the kitchen, mice live behind the television, and candles flicker almost peacefully through the halls.

Cards aren't being played and no music fills the room or gives me any reason to dance. Ghosts quoting all the best things you've ever said. Spiders forming webs over locked boxes of our memories - unforgotten yet ignored for countless months. Daemons begging for pain to feast on, trying to make me miss you more than I already do and convincing me I should want to tear you to shreds for leaving me, again. Witches came through collecting tears of the broken hearted and blood of the dead thing living on the inside of me, for spells and potions more insane than our wildest dreams. Banshees are afraid of me because this hurt makes my screams and useless fits worse than theirs. It's all because of you and this year Halloween will be beyond memorable.

Even without the memories you promised we would have. At least now you understand why I always said Halloween was my favorite holiday; I get to be every monster ever known to any man without anyone realizing that is exactly who I really am.

Things Taken by the Sea

Do not fear the tide for I can only go so far before the shore breaks me. Do not fear me, because even broken I will find you and do not worry I know that you are gone. Don't worry I know you are hurt. And don't worry, I know that I do not know you anymore at all. 

Labyrinth of Dreams

This place was designed for you to lose yourself in thought. It was for you to know nothing else exists short of pure bliss. You are almost as beautiful as this world we've created for you, and when the sun sets with us side by side watching it is even more brilliant. All the constellations look like you and the rain falls so perfectly as you stand with everyone you have ever loved surrounding you.

Even Without the Wine

In case you haven't noticed, I could become drunk on your words. I have become addicted to your smile. And  I learned just how easy it is for us to get lost in a world of our own even when we are not together. 

A Few Days Late

We're all a little late getting around to things sometimes. Especially when we care about whatever it is so much that we stress every aspect of it for perfection.

I hope you understand your birthday was not missed, merely overplanned. 

Absolutely Inevitable

And when the world finally comes crashing down, I hope you remember where to find me.

Only prepare to be met only by my ghost, because I haven't been to any of our other hideouts in years. 

At Least the Mayans Were Wrong

I still remember the look of pure terror on your face as you typed the poignant words imaginable across a thousand miles of wire.

"If the world were ending tomorrow I'd make a point of coming to rescue you tonight."

But Darling, the end is coming and you're no where to be found. 

These Stars Just Keep Getting Brighter

We all have wishes welling up inside of us, it just takes the right moment for us to believe in them even half as much as we need for them to come true.

Don’t worry, your spark is on its way. 

Ode to Poetry

Your words are all I've ever had to keep me from crumbling. So this, this, is for you. 

Thunder Quakes Again

We all come across puddles occasionally. But you have the choice to leap over them - with risk of landing right in the middle or walking through them gracefully and soaking your socks and shoes.

Whatever you choose I hope you know puddles are not obstacles, they are chances to have a little fun despite the rainy day.