Tuesday, December 27, 2016

Just in Case

So you think you've got it all figured out. That you know how to be the very person you've always wanted to be. So that's great and all, but when you don't know how sure you are of anything (just for a moment) I hope you know that I  believe in you.

And we still don't even know each other's names. 

Monday, December 26, 2016

Christmas Miracles

Yesterday I went for a walk with someone I've never really had the chance to meet. And I said things I never thought I'd say because they always hurt me just a little bit more each time. Then they began to open up the way they swore they would never do. Slowly as time passed we moved closer and closer. Little things began happening. Somehow I fell in love with a stranger and I promise that stranger fell in love with me. So if by any chance you find this, and you realize what you did to me, I just think you should know that I am glad we met. 

Saturday, December 24, 2016

Splattered Paint and Scuffed Chalk

You are ambitious. There's nothing wrong with that. Just remember not everyone knows how to be like you. 

Friday, December 23, 2016

Apple Cider and Eggnog

If I could scream it from the rooftop or paint it across the entire planet I swear I would. It’s just that I’m all out of midnight phone calls and soury sweet nicknames to whisper between the stars and nine am. And I’d love to blame it on the rain and blur of the holidays giving me reason not to reach you or even better keeping me from the grandiose displays I want to be creating for you. But even though I didn’t say those words yet, you know the ones said so often they lose their meaning when the real thing comes along, you realize that nothing will ever be more true. So enjoy your holidays and stay dry. When the new year begins I promise to do all the things you’ve ever wanted from a love.

Thursday, December 22, 2016

Wednesday, December 21, 2016

Remembering Christmases 12 years ago

Softly the piano plays songs 
next to the candle burning bright
of joy and festivities, religion and love
wonderfully crafted memories delicately

flooding the room as whispers
ask shadows about the years when
laughter bubbled and cookies shaped 
like santa and trees rose in the oven
inviting nothing less than bliss into our
naive existence among the holiday season.
Gratefully, I light another candle for your absence. 

Tuesday, December 20, 2016

Pages Stained with Hot Chocolate

"Let's just pretend you didn't see that."

"But I did..."

"Yes, but playing pretend has always been your favorite game."

"That's true."

"Good, so how are you?"

"I'm good and you?"

"I've got something to tell you."


"You saw exactly what you thought you did."

"I know."


"I'm pretending I didn't."

Monday, December 19, 2016

Songs of Freedom

Don't you know that this oppression is no where, but inside your own mind. 

Sunday, December 18, 2016

The Unwrapped Present

I know things are tough this year, at least on my end of the deal,
I'm so sorry I won't be there in time to celebrate our first holiday together;
but believe me I'm trying my hardest. Mom says we'll spend Christmas
in the car, no presents for each other - which is fine by me, only I wish
that I had something to smile. A new house for her, so she could finally
live comfortably, a locket containing ash and I to show that we made it
out of this hell hole alive, ooh or maybe I could get you some new paints -

vivid ambers, brilliant scarlets, violets that scream and cobolt to complete anything.
Paints that aren't crusted together and tubes that don't fall apart at
the slightest touch, a golden brush I swear I won't touch (I'm so sorry I've ruined
so many of the ones you had already...). I wish I could get Ash a new game
or I-tunes gift cards so he won't take yours. Maybe some new drawing pads
and markers so he's not staring at electronics all day. Love, the most sad thing is,
I got you a gift back in August, just a few days after we met. I've had it boxed up
and ready to send for months, it's sitting in my lap as I write this out for you,
waiting to bring a smile across your brilliant face. Darling, this year will be unique
in ways neither of us have ever imagined, my heart aches knowing I can do nothing
more for the ones I love, and yet, there's something for you that you will never see.

An unwrapped box, a note of nothing but pure energy, and a symbol that only you
could ever fully understand in a scene that will never be seen.

Saturday, December 17, 2016

A TSI Goodbye

There once was a time when the pain of missing you was just so unbearable that I wrote you letters just to tear them up. Finally I realized that you weren't coming back so I changed the locks to my heart and the color of my hair. I played more games and read less books and I used your nickname as a password or two whenever anyone asked if I've ever been hurt I sighed before saying that I didn't know. Now I'm here, writing even more about you, after saying I wouldn't, just to ask if being abandoned by someone you never had a chance with is anything like the pain that comes with walking out on someone you've loved all along. I thought I was going to be okay - but I'm not. I thought I was over you but there was never any sort of goodbye. I thought we could work something out, but you didn't even try.

Friday, December 16, 2016

Defenders of the Forgotten

I promise to remember you until Death Dies until Time dissolves and until this universe itself has become a forgotten nonexistent useless space to someone somewhere. But you don't remember me anymore, do you?

Thursday, December 15, 2016

A Breakfast in Bed Kinda Life

Promise me that someday sticky notes and drawings on the bathroom mirrors after our showers will be our best love letters of all time. . .

Wednesday, December 14, 2016

143, Pizza, and Stuffed Animals

We were young and you spoiled me rotten every day - I'm just so sorry we faded away so quickly. At least we still pop by from time-to-time for Christmas and our birthdays.

P.s. Happy Birthday  

Tuesday, December 13, 2016

Fragmented Rubies

Today we watched your soul return home for good as we laid your body down for rest. I just hope you know the tears were worth the ache.

You have touched your number of hearts, you will be remembered and loved - even from afar. 

Monday, December 12, 2016

The World Already Ended

You claimed that your mother was a gypsy while you were young. You told me stories from your adventures with her and offered up the fears instilled within you by your father. You let me know more about you than anyone else ever would. Then you left without any sort of warning. At least I know where you got that from. I love those gypsy ties of yours. And it's comforting to think that you won't be back, prepared to deepen these elaborate cuts decorating my soul. 

Sunday, December 11, 2016

Twenty-one and Still Three

They are not trying to make your life harder, they're just playing off of the ideas you offer to your surroundings. No one is trying to make anything worse; we're just using what's available to we can live our life. 

Saturday, December 10, 2016

To Crave Tea Time

There's mascara running down the folds of my faded pillow and it's not that anything is even that wrong. Please, don't think that I'm one of those attention seeker types, because that's not it at all - I swear. Or is this one of those moments where "thou doth protest too much" makes perfect sense? I remember nibbling on your shoulder, starving for your attention  and now I wonder if you've ever needed anything from me  with enough fervor and ferocity to actually beg for it (me). I wonder if the single drops that quenched my parched lips so effortlessly when you weren't around have ever been enough for you. And I know it's sad to say this since I fought you every time you tried but I miss the potential of having a light something to eat or drink while indulging in a conversation more hearty than I could ever be. The fact that there are no guests knocking on the door at three in the afternoon or even at three o five breaks my heart. So here I am, alone, waiting for the violet kettle to whistle
with a tray full of cobalt speckled blueberry scones and airy white, sweet cream to balance out the tart of fruit picked too early - or maybe it's only there to subdue the pain of opinions varied from your own. Either way, it is enticing and I wish it could do its job more properly. Slowly, I'll stir the milk and two sugars into the dark mixture watching the shapes play leap frog in awkward motion,
humming along with the delicate, lacy clink of the metal spoon chiming against the porcelain cup. It's just not the same now that I know that not everyone has to make do with


Friday, December 9, 2016

Farewell, New Friend

Look Darling, we may have had our share of difficulties, but that doesn't mean that we don't miss you just as much as everyone else's heart you touched. 

Wednesday, December 7, 2016

Dropping Dead Weight

Just in case you were wondering
I was doing just fine
without you.

And because you're so afraid
he's a definitive sign
you're unnecessary.

Oh, and by the way
I hope you understand
it's over.

Because you only ever crumble
on my own I stand
without you. 

Tuesday, December 6, 2016

A Place Among the Ashes

Keep calling those stars of yours by name and burning just as bright as them (you'll be our sun for all of eternity).

Then when you do fall down we'll drown together (I know how you hate being alone).

So in the next life we'll be born side by side (two unnamed artists truly inseparable).

That way Time can settle in and Death can die (but you and I will keep coming back as comets and planets).

Sunday, December 4, 2016

Mermaids Giggle By the Shore

Darling, I refuse to be the wave crashing upon your rocky shores until you have enough sense to keep the fish at bay when I'm around. 

Thursday, December 1, 2016

Back to Brooklyn Analogies

Perhaps you and I are going through the same phase, but at different stages of life.
Maybe it's a good thing so that neither of us have to go it alone.