Thursday, July 31, 2014

Silver Winged Angels

I'm sending all my loveliest thoughts to you.

It looks like you could use some joy today.

Wednesday, July 30, 2014

Mirrored Rooms and reflections

There's a picture of you dancing with someone. The two of you are alone in an empty room and you are wearing a silly dark hat. It looks like you are about to smile cause your eyes sparkle just a bit more when you do, either way, it's perfect. There was a time when you promised you'd teach me to dance, and I keep telling myself that if you keep that and if you wear some other stupid hat I am going to take it from you when you least expect it. I keep thinking that if you taught me how to dance then maybe I would be the reason that your eyes sparkle just a little more than usual. At first it was thoughts like this that hurt the most, but now they are the only source of hope I can find.

*another photo that is not mine in any way...

Tuesday, July 29, 2014

Saturday, July 26, 2014

In the Vortex

I know you aren't on now, but I hope you will find this soon.I am so used to being sad and upset, alone and hating myself for every little thing but something happened today and i'm not sure exactly what it was but it made me happy not like made me smile but it made me truly happy. I really love you and I will miss you like crazy but I cant wait to be with my family with the people who love me and care about me. The ones I missed meeting when I was growing up because of nap times and play groups and school. the ones I should be eating dinner with and seeing every day. I cant wait until you are this happy with me. because then the world will be in the palm of our hands. right now I am so happy words can barely describe it. its a feeling I don't ever want to let go of. I know you are busy right now, but you are going to read this eventually and I hope it makes you smile if nothing else. I hope that when you read it you are having a wonderful day and that you are happy. I know its all random and long and rambly but I need to tell someone and who better to tell, than the person I love with all my heart, with every fiber of my being now and forever?

Take Me Away

Do you have a lighter out here with you? I'm not smoking but I think I might. Maybe if push comes to shove I'll just hold the damned thing between my cracked bloodied lips watching the smoke carry away pieces of me I've only ever wanted to save. Then when the fire gets too close and I'm supposed to put the damned thing out I'll look at you and ask what you would do. Do you have a lighter out here with you, I think I need to borrow it. 

Thursday, July 24, 2014

Just a Dream

There is nothing more comforting than the welcoming arms of Sleep on a night filled with beautifully designed darkness and the soothing lull of the storm outside while you lay completely content between warm blankets and sheets, wrapped delicately within the breathing of another soul. And I know you don't want to hear this, but every time I think of the nights we have yet to share I know I have never slept even half as well as I will when we finally get the time we have spent so long promising each other. You read these words, I know you do, I just hope you remember that there is nothing more comforting than the welcoming arms of Sleep. Especially when you are already entangled in the arms of someone you love more than anything else in this world.

Faltered Wonderland

The life I live is odd, there's shapeless hope molding rain as sour grapes poison your favorite wine. And here  am, dying in my own arms, again.

Wednesday, July 23, 2014

The Static On the Line With Us

And maybe this is only difficult to understand because we remember the way things once were. We remember the people we could be and that third person we love so much. All of our secrets still dance across wires in strange ears and the whispered lyrics that fought nightmares continue lingering for the shadows to sing and your ghost to feast. And we could talk the way we used to, we could love, and we could dream, but every time I call you answer just to breathe on the line, just to know that I made it through another day. But by doing so you are begging our memories to kill me piece by piece. Again.

Tuesday, July 22, 2014

Why Did You Stop Calling?

Is it really better to leave the people you love alone when its for their own good, or should you stick around knowing that every word will be just a little bit heavier when they realize how much better than you they can do?


I miss you

Sunday, July 20, 2014

Watery Flames

Someday Time will stop for us and all the world will stand completely still. We will defy every scientific law and disprove every theory. And then just when they think all will go back to it’s normal ways we will collide like atoms in a scientist’s wet dream. We will be everything we have ever wanted to be. But when Death decides to pull us away he can take me first, I was the spark you could never quench, while you were the only drop I could never burn. 

Saturday, July 19, 2014

Just In Case

And if tomorrow is the last time I am on the train it means that tomorrow is the end of our nonsense conversations and kind shoulders to cry on when we get laid off at work or our family walks out on us. And if it’s the last chance we have for those moments I want you to know that things will get better and you will meet greater friends than I could ever be for you. People who love you more than I ever could will join you each day you and tell you cooler stories. And then after a few days I will be a memory. A few days after that I will be a memory’s memory. Then a ghost just waiting to resurface in your dreams. So if tomorrow is my last day on the train I wish you well.

Thursday, July 17, 2014

Charming Charcoal Roses

You have no idea how beautiful you are in my eyes.

*Happy Birthday to an absolutely amazing woman (at least that's what I have been told)

Take My Hand

I keep telling myself that I am over you, but there is nothing faster than the speed of thought, I can look at anything and think of you. I can be anyone I want and I still won't be good enough to bring you back. But I can still feel you thinking of me as I think of you, you love me because love is one of those feelings that is always there even when it's not on the surface and you know you want to come back, to see how I am doing, to see if you've been replaced or not. You know where I write and which sites I update the most often.  You know where to look and what to look for when there's someone new around, but you don't have the heart to read through my life while waiting on the sidelines knowing that now that you've put me through this hell (the same one you're going through - you know because you've seen the photographs of it on Facebook) wondering what in the world could possibly of made you decide that this was the best thing for both of us. I keep telling myself that I am over you, but when I see you've visited and didn't bother to say hi its far too difficult not to break a little bit more inside.

(i own no rights to this photo. . .)

Bleeding Superheros

It isn't meant to be easy.

If it were you wouldn't appreciate anything.

Wednesday, July 16, 2014


Day after day you talk about her even when you don't mean to. Night after night you sit at the desk sipping coffee too strong bathing in ink, as you search for yet another muse. Because you don't know what do to when they leave, as horrifically often as that is. Day after day I wish I knew how to replace her without taking her place at all. Night after night you feel the way I do and don't even know it. We both sit up staring at the sky thinking of all the ones who have ever left us, sipping coffee too strong bathing in ink and searching for yet another muse. I know I apologize too often, but it's only because I really want to help...

Tuesday, July 15, 2014

Sunday, July 13, 2014

Sweet Sixteen

Thank you for caring, for loving me, for trying so hard to make today something special. I really enjoyed it, from the goofy conversations with people I haven't heard from in forever, to the poetry readings and story times, the movie (as cheesy as it was), to the sparkles. Today was wonderful. Stolen, broken heart and all. 

Friday, July 11, 2014

No more music

I know you play that song around me so that I will listen to the lyrics for once and know how you feel, it's just something that people do when their heart longs for another that it can never have. When a soul shatters because another is causing pain that just doesn't know how to fade. You see, I know why you play that song around me and you know exactly why I refuse to listen. I don't listen because love isn't something I am good at and I don't want to hurt you even more. You play it because you think that it will remind me that you would go through hell and back for me and you already have in your own sort of way. I know, I know, I just wish you knew. 

Thursday, July 10, 2014

In the Storm

The softest sound 
reached for shape 
and settled upon 
drops of glass-like 
rain falling from the 
gardens of your 
God forsaken bible 
and whispered, 

. . . is. . . 

Tuesday, July 8, 2014

Beautiful Rainy Nights

I wish you were here, it's one of those days where all you wanna do is curl up with someone and watch movies all day long or hold someone close as you say anything and everything that comes to mind while sipping warm tea and eating chocolate chip cookies just cause. I wish you were here, but you've got a bad case of being away and the only cure is visiting once more. 

Low Scores, This, and That

Some people exist only to break bad news to other people. They almost never have anything actually against you and really, they wish that you did so much better, that things were better for you, but they aren't and there's nothing they can do to help you - which is why they show up. Some people break the bad news to other people, but you are so much more than "other people".

Monday, July 7, 2014

Baffled and Confused

The song's long over and the voices in my head just keep going on an d on about all the things that should have been said. Because I know what it meant to you and how its been tainted with crimson melodies and lyrics even darker than before The song stopped playing, the radio died, that's the first time I've heard it and it is still stuck in my head. 

Sunday, July 6, 2014

Brilliance Before the Break of Dawn

You asked me who ever said that you don't dream of me and I asked myself why you would spend precious time dreaming of strangers. Only now do I have the answers we needed so desperately from that empty vastness of silence that followed that moment of wandering thought as our hearts pulled each other closer than we ourselves have ever really been. And I know we haven't spoken much since that moment, but I thought you deserve to know how many of my dreams do actually involve you.

Saturday, July 5, 2014

Too Bright

You, my friend, just joined us all so you still think the false plasma behind the glass is the sun; and you won’t listen to any of us when we say that it’s an impostor. So when you get too close to that beautiful, bastardly white hot heat I want you to know that you are not leaving us to be forgotten in our loneliness again. People never kiss just to kiss or hug just to hug, they sleep together without care and fight without any passion. But those little things matter. The things you stand for matter.  All the things you love about people moving closer to each other matter. It all still exists. It all screams your name when you’re gone. Your ghost will still linger in the middle of bodies not yet pressed together in Love’s white hot heat as they kiss once more in your name. So keep going up. Get closer to your so called “freedom” and never notice that it’s really just a poison you are taking willingly. But please remember, even if you are gone, you will always be needed here.

Friday, July 4, 2014

Fireworks On Their Way

It's great that you are patriotic, it really is a beautiful thing.

But when you start praying to a flag and singing to a ghost that gains a new meaning entirely.

It's wonderful that you celebrate with people you barely know as well as the ones you love.

But when strangers learn more about you than you know about yourself what's the point of celebration?

Wednesday, July 2, 2014


Love is when you can look at anything and instantly think of them. It is when you wake up next too them even if it is only in your mind. And when they make you smile even though you barely want to breathe.
This, this is just loneliness.