Better Understanding

Sweetie, I know you need some sort of help, but I can't understand what is you actually need from me. 

Like Angels in Pearls

You give me reason to feel beautiful in ways I've never known possible. Somehow you treat scars like gold and aches like hope. I'm not sure how you do it, but you really do make the bruises disappear. Maybe that's what makes our entanglement something so beautiful that it makes all the world cry. 

More Than Breathing

Go ahead and smile, it's okay to take the joy that comes your way.

For the Love of Soda Bubbles and Sand

I wish you the best of luck in finding that one person (or small group of select few) who understand every wave of your laughter. Someone who creates moments worth your smile and holds you when the pain gets to be unbearable. I send my hope and love to you and wish you nothing but the best as  you wonder through countless seconds strung together to form Life.

I have begun to find these people in my own experiences, and I love the inspiration we bring each other so effortlessly each and every day.

Enjoy 

Beautiful Sorrow - Better Days

"Maybe I'm just made of wilted petals and poisonous thorns," you whispered as you pulled the blankets around us just a little bit tighter.

"Or maybe you're just made of powderized stars missing home," I answered as I guided your head to my chest and wrapped my legs around yours.

You began to giggle and your eyes sparkled just a bit brighter. The dreams I had that night re the best I've had so far. And I owe it all to you, my rosie little starling. 

Well Meaning Lies

You're not going to remember this when it matters, but you promised to kiss me when I was strong enough to fly. And you swore you'd kiss me when I was far enough to call myself free. Then you said that you wouldn't leave me for good until you were close enough to put your lips to mine as a way of replacing the word "goodbye" before walking away.

That way if I drowned you'd have no part of it. Only, I know how to use my wings now and you're no where to be seen for that either. 

Craving Croc-o-gator Land

I'm a little home sick lately. It started when my friends stop answering the phone and then worsened when you left me all alone in this great big bed of mine. I know that they'll be back soon and I'm sure the others are just busy doing all the things they need to do in order to get by. So forgive me if I haven't been here armed with tissues and good memories whenever you need. I'm doing some falling too. 

Slammed Doors and Empty Hallways

I always thought it would be neat if you understood how to stand in my shoes without taking them from me in the middle of a run. Everyone else told me to drop it and go on with my days as a way of saying that I was crazy; but now that it's been two years since you left I wonder how "neat" it'd be to see you again without pixels and a forever of miles separating us. 

Sometimes

Sometimes when I miss you I write you e-mails about how things are. I know you don’t get them anymore, but it’s as close as I can get to what it felt like talking to you.

Now I crave conversations of depth more than I crave contact.

Graduation Speeches

And today you graduate. Four years of high school must feel worth it now, right? I'm sorry I won't be at the ceremony, but I really hope you know how happy I am for you. Not that there were ever any doubts, but more like this is all you were waiting for before you could really live however you wanted. Because now you know how to act in the event of an emergancy and you know how to listen to authority and determine when the things they say are really important and when they aren't. Today you take your first few steps as free soul, ready to explore the many opportunities of life, even if you change your mind a million times before finally being satisfied. I love you. I am so happy for you.

Congratulations Love!

Enjoy. 

Widening Faults

"I just saw in the news that there was an earthquake near you. I hope you were not affected. Thinking of you. Love, me."

"Really, you love me? That's why you said we couldn't drive the night before the most important factor in my future thus far, that's why you haven't gotten the hint from my lack of responses to your messages, that's why you decided to hurt us indirectly with every chance you get. Yeah, sure, I "love" you too, because honestly, I don't give a damn how you feel because I don't think you really give a shit about us."

Then there was silence. A long pause that stretched itself out for months on end. I hope you finally got the message. I don't need you around anymore, I haven't since I learned to walk. And I don't want you around either, because all you do is remind me why the world is so cold - it's filled with people like you. 

The Transition

I never asked you to be a knight in shining armor
and I never loved you as my fool in tinfoil. I offered up
my soul to you and showed you where to find the key
to my library gallery - the home of every word I've ever written,
all the sketches I've abandoned, all the discarded rags
used for blotting and clotting. I let you in as a part of
the audience whenever I stood to steady the easel
or reach for a new bottle of paint and a brush that hasn't

rusted just yet. And eventually I pulled you in closer to me
than I've ever let anyone else before. I turned you into
my canvass -  my heart into pigment. That's when you learned
the tragedy of living in my shoes and how each time I meet
someone new that I actually like a new self portrait is created
highlighting the parts of me that found love in. Then when they leave -
because they always leave I become a masterpiece taken from
that brilliant golden frame in the Louvre simply to be forgotten
in a flooded basement somewhere in Louisiana. I kill off everything
from that image. I paint over it. I scratch at it. I claw away the layers.

I form a cocoon and awkwardly try again, but it never works.
The Mona Lisa within my lacking smile morphs a little more into
Frankenstein or maybe just the Devil with each flick of my wrist.

Get out while you can, Darling. My brilliantly dented flake. 

Wax and Wings Form Bees

I'm sorry to say this, but you, my Dear, are not my first choice for spending another year without. 

Just Another Exorcism

I don't think anyone realizes that the circus is cheaper when it rains. Because who can smile, laugh, and enjoy themselves when they are soaking wet, right? I remember how much you loved going to watch the clowns with their faces dripping away beneath the red and white stripes of the big top. Caramel corn and candy apples aren't so sweet anymore. But the smell of the massive bonfire in the center of the grounds is more enticing than ever before now that all your magic is gone. The strong man took me by the arm today after the show, just to ask me where you are, he chuckled and left me in the alley when I remarked how surprising it was that he was the last to know. And tonight, for the first time in as long as I can remember, these trails we've followed for so long were confusing, I had no idea where I was going and I don't think anyone realizes that the circus is cheaper when it rains, but if only they'd give it a shot, maybe they could still feel the magic you brought to the stage inside your laughter lingering low enough to actually have some sort of fun. 

The Big Bang

No one ever said that us being close meant everything would be perfect. They never told us that the world was our stage or that Time was incapable of freezing. And they "forgot" to warn us of all the common knowledge they've already acquired. But if anything had been any different we wouldn't be here giving birth to an entirely new universe.

Bob, Marley, Slim, and Freedom

Three (four) little birds built a nest on my doorstep. They chirped all day and sang at noon. Marty (the chicken/rat snake) slithered on the roof every night, looking for ways to get them. He never got his midnight snack, but he did fall off and into our laps. Nothing was going so well back then, but when the birds showed up, Bob, Marley, Slim, and Freedom found a way to make everything alright. 

The moral of this story: everything's gonna be alright. 

~

P.s. Love the song "Three little birds" when grey skies roll in again. 

Till I Fall Asleep

Read me your poetry and give voice to the words that saved me when it felt like no one else was within reach. Point out the stars that led you home when you were young and lost, teach me stories about your friends in the sky. Hold me close to you, wrap the blankets around us just a bit tighter and let your heart beat me a lullaby. 

Note to Self

Someday the two of us are going to have a house with nooks and crannies filled with pillows and books and crayon drawings on the walls. There ill be stained glass windows in the dining room with a view of the beach so when the sun rises there are pretty patterns on the floor and table. There will be a gorgeous black baby grand in the living room with a red velvet cover for the keys and stunning paintings on the wall, I will play for you every night. I will play anything you like. I will let you put your head in my lap and tell me everything you ever loved when you were young. There will be days for pizza and movies in bed and there will be days for dancing in the kitchen with soap to our elbows and dishes half done in the sink. Even if life isn't perfect, we'll find joy in as many moments as we can. That would be more than enough for me. 

Sunshine in Waiting

I just have to ask if you're really happy this time. 

Taller Than Everest

Nobody likes listening to you because you aren't like them. But that is exactly why you must continue speaking. 

Slow but not Steady

If all you're doing is breathing just to get by, then I hope you learn what it really means to be alive. Soon. 

Earthquake Weather

And I remember how you sat with me when the house felt the need to dance with ghosts and the ground gave way close by. That was the night I realized that relationships are funny things - especially when Gravity's involved. It was one of the only moments where the company of another allowed my fears, panic, and pain to melt away without leaving any sort of evidence they existed. And I know you're busy doing all the things you have to do, but I felt like I should thank you for your incredible timing. This is why you always told me that Expansion and Clarity will always follow Disaster.

Getting Passed the Fuzz

I know it seems frightening to stand there like that, rattling your brain for options. But I know that it's easier to worry than it is to take deep breaths and calm down. I know you just wish you had a way out of this, but really you do. Close your eyes and go for it. Just like the first time you bit into a peach.