Nineteen, Eighteen, Seventeen, You get the Point

If today were any other day
I'd be on a plane
heading to you with books
and movies in my arms.

I'd buy balloons and pizza
(I know you're not ten)
but I hope it'd bring back
the good old times -

of dancing in the gym
and soccer by the back gate,
moments of weakness spent
reading in the sun.

If today were any other day
I'd wish you a
happy birthday completely
unlike any before it. 

Begin Again

Maybe things didn't really go the way you planned, but hey - if you want it to tomorrow can begin a whole new chapter for you.

The Star Resting on Top

Finally -
a holiday worth remembering.

One spent with friends and family
not just one or the other.

A holiday with laughter and joy -
no photos, but that's alright.

Presents waited patiently under the tree
and the movies were just right.

We had a fire roaring
(Thanks to Netflix).

There was coffee, hot cocoa, and tea
each warmed to perfection -

and the best part of it all
was that you were each here with me.

Finally -
a holiday I want to
remember.




*not on PnQ

The Clouds have Begun to Pass

I missed your birthday. On purpose this year.

But I figured I'd get you out of my system early so that I don't have to think about the graffiti waiting on the pearly gates or serenading you with lyrics from Cake or Iron and Wine again.

I missed your birthday. You would be proud of me, finally.

But I can't help it, I have to wish you well and hope you'll remember me with words like "found" and "temptation" - even after you've found "the one" you were always looking for next ti the lions and the ladies training your previously beloved trapeze swinger.

I've missed your birthday. Enjoy whatever year this is for you. Please.

Stranger Beauty

I'm not exactly sure if you are going to understand this or not, but without the kindness of the world there would be no world. 

The Christmas Atom

You are goofy and weird, and I get so many comments on how much you don't fit in, but that's exactly why you are so perfect. Here.


P.S. Happy birthday 

The Last Bottle on the Shelf

I'm all out of tears spilt from missing you. I'm all out of broken hearted lyrics to sing outside of your window. I'm all out of meaninglessly meaningful and pathetic excuses. I am so sorry, but I am done having nothing left to hold on to but the memory of the day I watched you walk away. Never to return. 

Little Talks with Angels

I don't blame you for choosing adventure over routine. But I will not be responsible for your final destination.

I can guide you towards hope, but I don't have the power to choose for you - nor can I give you the secrets you need to unlock the Pearly Gates.

I respect you for letting your heart wander as it desires and I love the bravery you have in giving up regret for lent.

I will support you even after your final lifetime, but where you end up and whoever you become is entirely up to you, Babe.

Happy Birthday Darling. 

Math King of Third Grade

We always knew that you would go on to do wonderful things. I only wish you were still here to see just how deeply you've captured us all. 

Visiting 143 Birthday Way

I'd draw for you
again
or take you to the
opera
like when we were
young.

But none of it would
be the same
because we've grown up
and love changed.

So I'll just write out
another poem
to title with

143 Birthday Way -

just for you.

Tumbling Down with the Leaves

There is more to falling than gravity or love and that's what fall is all about: finding beauty in change and growth while remembering where it is you're heading anyway. 

This I Promise

I'm not expecting time travel to ever actually become possible, but if it does, I'll go back to a time when I'd have been able to spend the day with you. There's nothing gone unsaid, I just didn't have enough time. 

Collecting Dust and Silence

Listen, today I played the CDs you left behind and I understand why you like them so much. It's not that you just wanted to be different (even though that's at the top of the mile long list of things you excelled at.) It's not even that you wanted to scare people away with the countless things that genre implies to the outside world. But really it's something much more than that because it's the first group that really seems to get you. They know your mistakes and the beautifully dangerous habits you formed when you were "young". They knew who you were before you knew the truth and they remind you that there is still hope - even in the darkest of their melodies. Today I played the CDs you left behind, I hope that you don't mind. And today it finally made sense why you and the pen got along so well. and why you only showed me one of their songs while you were here. If you ever come back, can we talk before you leave again?

I have a song I'd like you to listen to with me. 

The Wind in Our Hair

Believe me Darling, it's better to tell the story than it is to be rolling down stone cold faces when the story ends;

Slipknots and Twist Ties

She said something beautiful today, words flowing all waterfall-like, sparkling with radiance in the glow of her brilliance. And all that came to mind was you. 

Soul Sipping

I know you didn't mean to, but you gave me something that you can never get back. And this would all be so much easier if I had been able to do the same for you.

No Need for Mericles

Dear Aching Heart,

You do everything you can to make everyone else's day brighter. You go out of your way to lend a hand or eat for anyone near by. You care sincerely and deeply. It's okay if you ask for help from time to time.

Love,
Your healing soul

To Be Born Again

It's time to start a fire, Baby. I'll get the matches and you grab the diaries. It's time to burn away these scars, Honey. There are better ways to heal than waiting for Time. It's time to let go of these ashes and wash our hands of this ache, Darling. Neither of us can move on or grow up otherwise. Besides these days are getting colder, and we could use the warmth. 

Bluebells Became Forget-me-knots

I'm using recycled metaphors
from when you left me

but

it's not you I'm missing now -
it's someone I didn't have

time

to know as well as I
would have liked

and

my mind keeps coming
back to you

because

you couldn't stick around
for goodbye either.

Just Let it Out

Just let the pain out across the page or in the notes, just flush it out of your system so you can move on and make the most of each and every experience you're given.

Just bleed out what you need to for the poison to quit flowing through your veins. As long as you get water back in afterwards you're going to be just fine.

Just go with it. You might even be better than ever afterwards. 

Return to Sender

Return to Sender:

I'd love to pull a pen from my drawer
and use these veins as paper for you.

I read your letter, but I

just can't bring myself

to hold on to it longer than
you needed me to. Darling,

I'm sending this back to you
without a reply, but here it is

anyway, cause I've gotta get it
off my chest and out of my heart.

This time around I am not going to

respond with all the love in my heart,

but I suppose after all this time
you do deserve a free fall drop
as if you were one of these tears
welling in my shattered crystal eyes.

Did you know I write to you
in every piece I've ever etched?
That there's something about the way
sun shines and streets flood that both
bring me back to your house all over again?
That I was more at home in your bed
filled with books and anger than
at home with my own joyful family?
That you are a tree in my garden
with a trunk etched in initials and stories
surrounded by roses soiled in memories
watered in your unspoken names?

A response such as:

I

I need you to know that
I fashioned your latest letter
into a lullaby I'll sing myself
only when there's no one else
to hear for miles. (love like ours
is meant to kill not sting).

II.

You carry enough weight
in the ink you bleed for
the both of us, only you
forgot how to pen my name
the way I forgot your address
when you moved closer.

III.

Sometimes I want to write back
so I can let you see the pain
you've caused, but to give you
a type of healing I was never offered.
To paint your face from memory
and replay your voice from starsong
are two of my greatest dreams...

and fears.

IV.

Please, return to sender.
Without a response letter

Just as Sad as Before

It's been a year to the day,
I didn't really know you well -

but for the brief time you were here
you were family and friend all in one.

I missed your funeral, and for that
I am incredibly sorry, but I was there

to see your body lying on the living room floor,
to watch the family gather around and pray,

I've never been religious or understood
the many cultures of my new home, but

for you, I made an exception, I dove
head first into a sea of sobbing Cubans

and wept more for you than for my own blood,
you are even worthy of a run on sentence poem -

anyway, I just wanted to say it's been a year
and you're not forgotten or missed any less today

than before, I hope you're well
wherever you've made your new home.

Maybe someday I'll catch you
on the rings of Saturn playing hopscotch

or drinking espresso on the moon
with all the family to go before you.

Lucky Study Pants

It's a good idea to keep a few things around with good memories and fun potential just in case something strikes and you need to pick yourself up.

Today wasn't bad or anything, but it was still nice to remember my own skin is good enough for anything I want to do, and it was a pretty good feeling - one you should experience more often Darling.

Looking Back on the Arguments

I am getting used to the feel of living in my own skin and I am incredibly grateful for the experiences you and your negativity led me to live without.

Don't worry, I'm so much better off without you. I feel like a whole new person!

Neon Light Vacations

Licorice stained gamblers take a chance
and roll the dice, but none of them
ever really win anything because
this hotel's nothin' but smoke
and mirrors angled a little too perfectly.

Whiskey wasted walls wish they
could share the dark secrets of
past guests - just to get 'em off their chests.

And everybody knows New Year's Eve
ain't nothin' without a few tears
scattered among the cheers.

Reduced to Glorious Ashes

The darkness settles in and the even the candle light isn’t as bright as it once was. But that doesn’t mean that the time for mourning has burrowed deep for winter yet – no, not yet.

For now, it’s just me alone in an empty room waltzing with Death whispering 1, 2, 3 1,2,3 won’t you join me for this lovely waltz with my dearest friend Death.

Simple, Little Holidays

Darling, I don't have a whole lot of, well anything, really, to offer, but thank you for understanding that and enjoying all of our little moments together instead of brightly colored boxes or a great big meal.

Autumn Blurrs with Winter

Fall - explode
watch the moon
clinging to Hope -

a numb smile,
a memory even,
a sweet sensation

strips away the light
choking all that
allows me to be

the woman you
loved.

Going out for Fresh Air

I love how easily we get roped into some of our favorite moments. Effortless joy makes for the greatest kind of love either of us will ever know. 

The Healing Process

Watching Street Lamps Shine

I've always wanted you to be the one that would light my way through some of this rubble caused from growing pains. Maybe you're better off as a single star than the whole night sky anyway. 

All Torn Up

It's not that the letters I wrote you were difficult to send or even that you weren't there to receive them anymore. Just that the words still don't come out right and stamps are too expensive to be worth a damn anymore. 

Anyway, how are you today, Hun?

Your Epitaph will be Something Like This

Our relationship was like a graveyard and it's keeper(s). We were not there for each other, but rather for the previous loved ones we were forced to part ways with. We shared pain like a sundae and bonded over sorrow and that's no way to fill a soul up fully - no way to heal a broken heart.

We were keepers and our relationship was just another graveyard in memory of soldiers who's bodies simply could not be found. 

A Toast to That November

I remember the winter we were getting ready to move, how we spent our late nights at Starbucks drinking coffee I should have been too young for and eating sweets we did not need. The weather was colder than it should have been and our hearts jumped with joy as we got closer to the big day, but all those coffee shop strangers that became friends, or even family, I wonder how they're all doing today. 

Calling all Friends

Strawberry, sing to me about ice cream and chocolate, tell me that our love is better than anything you've ever tried.

Pineapple, remind me that you aren't all poisonous, that you can be sweet sometimes too. Show me that the spikes are supposed to protect those of us in your heart not to purge us.

Stringbean, let me know you're alright where you are, that things are looking up, or at least that you have not yet forgotten about me.

Artist, paint your world out for me, let me see where you are so I can map the quickest road to you.

Leprechaun, share your luck and spread your wealth among us, please.

Someone do something.

Anything.

So I'm not so alone. 

A Reason to Worry

May I ask you something? Chances are you won't want to answer, please, just give it a shot, okay? So here it goes, are you ready? (- that there, that's the question!) You are stunning. In every sense of the word. 

For My Next Door Neighbor

It's been too long since you've come over just for coffee and a little bit of a conversation. I know you're still trying to get over the pains of this past year, but I've gotten better at coffee making since I got the new job and I think we could both use a friend to talk to as the winter settles in. 

Jovial Justifications

You brought so many dull moments to life in ways I never expected. I only wish you weren't always the one hiding behind the camera so I had something proper to burn when we move on. 

Going to the Queen's Ball

There's no harm in dressing up or being confident in what you are doing just to get through the day or to enjoy the little things just a bit more. 

The Twist of her Pigtails

Remember when they told you to be careful what you wish for? It's doubly true when love is involved. 

What's in a Name, Anyway?

I cut my hair to look like yours did when we first met. It's different in some ways, but nobody noticed because I live somewhere new where your name just doesn't carry the same kind of weight. 

Calcifer and Sophie Went Separate Ways

You were always so warm with all your laughter and creative ideas. Now that the autumn winds are beginning to bite I wonder who's heart you're keeping all nice and toasty now. 

Plan of Attack

Look here, Baby,
this is our one shot
at storming the castle and
building a real fort -

together we'll ready the troops
(popcorn, candy, and soda)
and march on into war.

Look here, Baby,
this is our one shot
to own the remote
and choose our seats first -

so let's get moving,
approve the plans,
draw the maps,
and head out. 

A Thousand Blank Pages

"I've only ever wanted to give you a better chance than I had," you whispered as you kissed my sleeping forehead and left. Then you woke up to an empty room flooding itself with regret.

"It's not too late yet," the tears on your pillow gently nudged. 

The First Date's Special

Let's try something new today, something neither of us has ever done before. We could sit in the park and converse only in song or grocery shop poetically, or go door to door telling strangers what we love about them. But whatever we do, let's make it count, okay?

Dividing up the Belongings

Did you have the time to love deeply?

Playing Cards Face Down

I often wish I could read your mind. 

Pictures With Strangers

I'd love to laugh and joke with you so long as you'd enjoy it. Let's use today to live a little. 

In Your Absence They Shine

Baby, you're the reason every remaining star ever seemed dim. 

May the Young and Happy be Blessed

Here's a toast to one year down and a billion more dreams to go. And congratulations on the beautiful new adventure that awaits you and your new born family!

21 on the 21st!

There's absolutely nothing wrong with enjoying the time you have - even if it's something little, make the most of it.

You are a great embodiment of this advice, I hope you had a wonderful birthday today!

Afternoon Outings to the Mall

Spend more time with friends. It's good for you. You'll be happier in the end. Spend more time with friends.

Heart to Heart

I am sorry for that time we fought so long and loud that the neighbors wished us condolences the next day, for that time we fought in late afternoon and the sun refused to feel warm on our backs, for that time we felt the entire house shake from the fury in our voices. I am sorry that you felt the need to walk out and it wasn't even anything I said, that we both bled all over the kitchen for absolutely nothing, that we had to bend and break before we could heal.

Honestly though, I do not regret it at all. I am thankful that we were able to gain battle scars from a battle actually worth fighting, that our war was for love and not hatred, that we are better off for it - closer than we've ever been before. I am grateful that we had this chance to get the steam out of our heads, that we could clear our minds and patch up our hearts all at once, that we figured it out on our own - it just took more time than we (or anyone else) expected. 

Not Needed Anymore

You were right, I don't need anything from you -

not the skype calls at one am
or the poems written in vague language.
I don't need your voice coming
across wires when all I want to do
is fall apart all over again.

And I suppose you were right when you said

that the walls only start talking once
the trouble maker fades away, but
you weren't the troubled one at all.

All spun like sugar and aged like wine

you were just a sense of poison
I wasn't able to name yet. Like
hemlock or too much lavender tea.

Hun, I can't tell you why you're still

captivating my heart and on my mind
everytime I turn around, even after I
swear I've moved on (for real this time?)
So I won't even try this time around,
but I do wonder what it would be like

to need you all over again.

Flowers in Hand

Thank you for being here when you were needed as well as desired. Thank you for making midnight beautiful and afternoons just a bit more bearable. Thank you for welcoming my writing and embracing the light of this heart. 

New Face in the Mirror (Sort of)

Look here change is nothing to shy away from, and until you realize that you will never be as truly you as you (or the rest of us) deserve you to be.